I love you to the moon and back...

It's been three months since I last wrote. Three months that have seen joy, happiness, sadness and illness. Lots of illness; noro virus, ear infections, conjunctivitis, chest infections and me laid up in bed for a whole week with the flu.

 

But mostly the last three months have been me, struggling again to get a grip on my post natal depression. It has amped itself up again, and I am now in the same state I was before I started my medication. I went to the dr a month ago and explained, she thought it was exhaustion due to me recovering from the flu. It's not. I know it's not. My dosage of medication is no longer effectively managing my mood. I'm shouting again, I'm losing my patience more quickly than I was, I've lost interest in doing things I previously found fun; blogging, going out, playing with the boys. I know the symptoms. It's been the same my whole life when my depression has acted up, not just through this post natal bout.

 

The last few weeks or so I've been struggling again with sleeping. I'm still bed sharing with Benjamin and at 21 months we are still happily enjoying our breastfeeding relationship. Some don't understand this. And I will be totally honest, this last week I have been desperate for space. Benjamin is very clingy, he is going through quite an intense period of separation anxiety. As soon as I sit down he's on my lap, hands in my bra. Or he's straddling me as soon as I try to read a book or watch tv. If I leave the room he screams hysterically.

 

I actually wondered if it was time to night wean him and move him in to his own room so that I have more than one hour to myself a day. (Although last week has been school holidays so my time spent with them has been increased somewhat) I asked my pink ladies what they suggested. The over whelming suggestion was do what is right for Benjamin, me and our family. Family are suggesting I stop breastfeeding and stop bed sharing with him, I considered this.

 

Then I opened blogger.

 

I scanned through the blogs I follow.

 

Two caught my eye immediately.

 

I do not know the women who wrote the blog posts personally. But they both write blogs I have read over the last few months. The thing about the parenting blogging community is you feel as though you know each other through reading about the women and their families. You interact with members of the community, you comment on each others posts that strike a chord with you, you follow on twitter. It's a hard connection to explain to non bloggers/tweeters.

 

Both women lost their babies to SIDS/ SUDC (sudden unexpected death in childhood) within a week of each other. Matilda Mae was 9 months old the day she died, and had learned to crawl the day she died. Patrick was 14 months old. Both babies happy and healthy. No reason to suspect that they would go to sleep and never wake up.

 

My heart broke. I had naively thought my children were safe now. They are both well past the ages drs say that children are most at risk from dying of SIDS. For the last three weeks, I've been reading both Mummies tweets and feeling horrendously guilty. They have lost their babies. They are grieving for their lost children and trying very hard to be good parents to their elder children. And what am I doing? I'm shouting at mine because I've lost patience, I'm considering ending my night feeds with Benjamin because I lose 20 minutes sleep each night. They are living with a Mummy who is battling depression and spends most of her time miserable. I am selfish. These women were both breastfeeding mummies. Both have had to go through the process of their bodies returning to a pre pregnancy state, losing their babies milk. Their last physical tie to their babies.

 

Of course, how a mother chooses to feed her baby doesn't detract from her grief, I mention it only because I too am a breastfeeding mummy, and my struggle this week has been more heightened because of what these women are going through. To suddenly stop nursing like that would add physical pain or discomfort to the horrendous emotional pain. The end of a breastfeeding relationship should be mutually agreeable, both parties should want to stop. These women have had no say.

 

I read about how Jennie is wishing she could go back to her last breastfeed with baby Tilda, and how she would have cherished it so much more if she knew it would be her last feed. I then think of the times I've read through that bedtime feed, or through the night feeds when I've sent emails etc..I can't believe I've taken these times for granted. Like it's guaranteed I'll get to feed him again shortly.

 

I get up and I complain about how messy the house is, how the boys refuse to eat what I've cooked or how tired I am. Then I read Julie's blog today and she is desperate to have that life, these "problems", because if she did it would mean Patrick is still here.

 

I live in fear. Fear that my boys will be taken. I've put Benjamin's breathing monitor under my mattress. After he stopped using his cot and started bed sharing with me, I stopped using it. But now I have the familiar beep, beep following me around when I go downstairs. I wake numerous times in the night to check he is still breathing. I've started going up to check on them more regularly before I go to bed.

 

I know living in fear is no way to live, but I fear if I become complacent, and I start thinking that they will both wake up everyday guaranteed, that one day it won't happen because I have taken that for granted. I have said the same three sentences to each boy in the same order each night since birth. I never forget to say it, it's almost like a superstition, that if I don't say it, something will happen. I don't know how much of this fear and anxiety is part of my depression and how much is normal parenting worries. I know every parent worries, and every parents biggest fear is to lose their child. Somehow though, others seem to live their life without the constant fear and anxiety.

 

This week, a very good friend of mine put a picture on her facebook of her poorly baby snuggling with her. Her comment said that when she is old and grey she'll never look back and regret being there for him. That sums up everything I feel.

 

So I'm going to continue to breastfeed Benjamin until he decides he no longer wants to, I'll continue to bed share, sit with my boys as they need me to to fall asleep. I refuse to put them in their rooms and let them cry it out because they want me up there and I am too selfish to give up more of my time, or that "they should understand they have to be quiet and stay in bed". I refuse to not be there for my boys when they need me. When I'm 70 I'll never regret showing them that I would do anything for them. However, if something were to happen, I would regret everything I didn't do, everything I didn't say,

 

Because nothing in life is guaranteed. There is no guarantee that I'll get them out of bed in the morning. So I'm going to cherish every moment, every night feed, every chance I get to hug them, and I'm going to do my best to show them that I'm there for them. Always.

 

In memory of Matilda Mae, Patrick James, Belle and Noel. Sleep peacefully beautiful angels x

 

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Anger & Guilt

I didn't breastfeed Noah, my eldest. All through my pregnancy I was adamant I was not going to. My friend had had a few problems breastfeeding her baby that included stays in hospital, infection, needles and a cannula. My phobia of needles would not let this be a possibility for me. So despite my husband saying he thought I should give it a try, I WAS NOT going to risk it, I was not going to breastfeed my baby.

Cut to delivery room. After Noah's birth, the midwives had to go and help out with an emergency situation, so Noah, myself and Tim were left alone for almost an hour in the delivery room.

Noah started to cry for food. I had already told the midwives my intention was to formula feed. However, when Noah started to cry for food, my instinct took over and I tried unsuccessfully to latch him on, I thought even if he had one feed off me, and had some of the colostrum that was better than nothing and  it would stop him being hungry.

The midwife came in at the exact moment I decided to try to feed him. "You told me you were going to formula feed, you'll confuse him" were her words. So I didn't latch him on. How she thought a baby who had had neither breast nor formula would be confused I'm not entirely sure. She didn't offer to help. Why not? If she saw that I was trying to breastfeed, why didn't she ask if I had changed my mind? Why didn't she say she would help me if I wanted to try at least? She fetched me a bottle of formula and that was that.

10 days post birth, my hormones went in to overdrive. I wanted to breastfeed my baby. I needed to breastfeed my baby. But my milk had come and gone within 36 hours of birth. I asked my health visitor if it was possible to start 10 days after birth? She assured me it was possible, but  it would be hard work. I would need to latch him on, let him suckle for "x" amount of time, then pump for 40 minutes or until I had collected 2oz.

But Noah didn't want to know. We tried a few times to latch on, but he just screamed and screamed.  I got upset. So I left it. He was gaining weight, I wouldn't say he was happy and settled, he had a lot of digestive problems including reflux. Who knows if I had breastfed if he would have had those issues? Possibly. Possibly not.

Even now 3 1/2 years on, I still feel tremendous guilt about this. Mostly I am angry that the midwife didn't try and talk to me and offer to help. Surely seeing me trying to latch my newborn baby on should have indicated I was at least having doubts about my feeding choice? Apart from 2 problems my breastfeeding relationship with Benjamin has been so easy. This makes my guilt about Noah worse. I know it doesn't mean even if we had of tried we would have been successful, but I'll never know and that hurts.

I don't think our relationship has suffered because of it. We still bonded, although my bond with Noah is different to my bond with Benjamin. I think this is one reason I am SO determined to breastfeed Benjamin as long as possible.

This post is part of the Breastfeeding Blog Hop hosted by The Slacker Mom , Happiness Redefined and The Gnomes Mom .

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Mummy vs anti breastfeeding Dr

This post is part of the Breastfeeding blog hop hosted by The Slacker Mom , Happiness redefined and The Gnomes Mom . This week someone must have been picking up my vibes I was sending out in to the blogosphere for this week's hop to be about supply issues. Thankfully Erin was hearing me and this weeks topic is low supply.

I didn't post in last week's hop, although I did read. The topic was bumps in the road. I  had already posted a couple of weeks ago about the ONLY problem we have had in the journey so far. How ironic then that on Saturday afternoon I came down with Gastroenteritis, and we would hit our biggest hurdle yet. Benjamin and Noah had both succumbed already, it was obvious it was only a matter of time before I got sick too.

Honestly, although I detest vomiting and regard it as my own personal hell, I have been far worse when I have had Gastroenteritis in the past. The last 4 years on the trot in the winter I have had it. Last year at 32 weeks pregnant I was hospitalised and had 4 litres of fluid dripped in to me:/

So it came as a total shock to me that Sunday morning I would wake up, feeling very empty. Benjamin had slept for a 7 hour stretch, then a 4 hour stretch and had had a minimal comfort feed to get back to sleep. (very unusual for him, but being poorly I excused him) I had expected that I would be rather uncomfortable and engorged as is usually the case when Ben doesn't feed much through the night.

Throughout the rest of the day and in to Monday Benjamin became very distressed when feeding, and it became obvious to me that being ill had seriously affected my supply. I had hardly any left. I started to pump in between feeds, but I wasn't even getting an ounce out. I know that how much you get out when you pump is not an indicator of supply, but added to Benjamin's fussiness, the fact that my let down had gone from 25 seconds in to 3-4 minutes (15 on the pump) and the way I was feeling, I knew we were heading for trouble.

I have to admit to panicking. I spent hours online searching for threads on breastfeeding community boards to see if anyone had had similar after an illness and how they recovered. A friend of mine had similar happen to her after she had the same tummy bug, and assured me that once I was re hydrated my supply would return.

On Monday I walked in to town and brought some Fenugreek, as I had read that helps with supply. The tablets were huge! I gagged each time I tried to swallow one. They smelt awful, and even worse, in the middle of the night when I had a most awful night sweat, I smelt like maple syrup! Ben seemed to get more fussy as I took the Fenugreek, maybe what milk I had left tasted different to him?

On Tuesday I spoke to a breastfeeding buddy, who advised I stop pumping as it would just make me sore if I was getting nothing out. This concerned me as by now Benjamin was not latching on for more than 10 seconds. I was emotionally distraught as I am not ready to stop feeding Ben, and the fact that it may be a forced issue due to illness grated even more. I spoke to my Mum who told me to give him formula. I think I was very short with her on more than one occasion regarding this, as I didn't want him to have formula. I felt we had gotten this far in without it, why now? Mum was telling me he needed to eat, obviously he was hungry, and distressed. I walked back to town and brought 4 packs of pre-made formula. I tried him with it he spat it out. I sobbed.

On Wednesday morning I called the Dr surgery to ask for an appointment. The breast feeding buddy had told me about a drug you can get prescribed that boosts supply, and she thought maybe I should ask the Dr for some. I felt I had tried the "natural" way - frequent nursing/drinking/eating/pumping/herbs, and it just wasn't happening like people had told me it would, so I was hopeful that the Dr could help us get back on track.

I explained the situation to the Dr. This is how some of the conversation went that followed.

Dr " how long did you want to keep breastfeeding for?"
Me "until it is mutually agreeable between me and Ben to stop" (looks at me as if I'm some "radical breast feeding hippy" mum who will be feeding my child aged 8)
Dr "I'm reluctant to prescribe the drug, there is no evidence it does work"
Me "oh"
Dr " maybe this is your bodies way of saying it's time to stop"
Me - speechless!!

I actually thought, right then, that's it, game over. She isn't going to help. I ALMOST accepted what she was saying. Why? Because I have an issue with authority. I can never stand up for myself in situations with professionals such as Dr's. But then I thought, wait, it's Benjamin I'm standing up for! He is a breastfed baby. It's what he knows, it's what we enjoy. It's what is best for him.

I was just gobsmacked! That an NHS professional, who is supposed to promote breastfeeding as per government and WHO guidelines is telling me that because I vomited 3 times, and my body is not quite up to par, it is time for me to stop feeding my baby.

Dr " He's 10 months just put him on normal milk"

Again, Gobsmacked! Just what is "normal milk" for a 10 month old? Yes, breast milk that's right.

The Dr did then say if I wanted the drug she would reluctantly give it me. So I said I would take a prescription "in case", and if in a couple of days it hadn't worked, and my milk supply didn't come back then yes, I would concede that maybe it was time to move on, but I wanted to do EVERYTHING in my power to get back on track before I gave up. In my head I'm thinking, no chance lady, that drug is being taken the second I get home.

So I am now taking Domperidone (an anti sickness drug with a side effect of producing breast milk, in both men and women! Great for nursing Mums, not so much for the body builder that can't stop puking:) 4 times a day, and still offering frequent nursing sessions. Again I took to the Internet to seek out women who had used this to see what my chances of success were. To my absolute delight I found lots of success stories, including two from personal friends.

I was expecting it to take a good 3 days to kick in, so imagine my absolute delight when I woke this morning to full, heavy milk filled boobies! I am feeling my let down reflex again, not as quick as the 30 seconds in that it used to be,  but in less than a minute. Benjamin is a different baby today. He is way more chilled out, not fussing during nursing, bedtime was easy like it was only a week ago. Mummy is also incredibly happy.

I am going to keep up with the Domperidone for a couple of weeks just to ensure that my supply doesn't drop off again, which will mean a trip back for another prescription to the anti breastfeeding Dr:(

My advice if you are having supply issues; first off relax. Something I wish I had done. Stress will hinder your supply more. Listen to your body and your instincts if you think there is a problem, go for help. Don't let unhelpful people try to change your mind. If you are determined to keep nursing, stay strong, keep baby close, lots of skin to skin contact, offer the boob frequently. Look after yourself by making sure you are resting - if you can, have a nursing vacation and just stay in bed and nurse for 24 hours (unfortunately with a 3 year old this wasn't an option for me), make sure you are eating and drinking enough. But most importantly listen to baby and trust your instincts.

I KNEW I was not giving up nursing unless I HAD to. Even though people around you probably are offering advice with your best interests at heart, listen to yours and make the decision that is best for you and your family.

xx

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Gastroenteritis, Spring forward and other stuff..

This post is part of Manic Mommy Monday hosted by Lori at  The gnomes Mom





Well it's been a pretty horrible few days. Benjamin, Noah and myself have had gastroenteritis:( It has been awful. Benjamin started first, I had hoped his upset tummy was down to teething, but no, the vomit then started which led to me taking him to the Dr on Friday to be told he had the stomach flu.

Friday was our wedding anniversary but we shelved plans to go out due to Benjamin being poorly, and ordered in a Chinese and watched the new Keifer Sutherland Show "Touch". (I really enjoyed the show. I love Keifer Sutherland, but I think it will take a few episodes to get Jack Bauer out of my head) had a glass of wine, went to bed. 4am and Noah starts puking. I woke on Saturday feeling headachy and nauseous. By the afternoon I too had succumbed. I went to bed at 1230pm Saturday afternoon and finally surfaced 1pm Sunday, the first time since I was a teenager I had spent that long in bed. I forced myself to take a walk to the park, and I ate an ice lolly. The fresh air seemed to really help.

So here we are, 5 days on for Ben and it's still not right. Noah is unable to go to nursery until Thursday at the earliest as he is still having an upset tummy. As am I.

But the biggest thing is the the virus seems to have killed off my milk supply:( I'm gutted! We have been breastfeeding for 10.5 months, and the thought of it stopping due to a situation that isn't a choice made by myself or Ben is killing me. I have brought Fenugreek today, I have tried pumping, but nothing is coming off. My let down is taking an age to trigger. Ben has been fussy whilst nursing the last couple of days, obviously he is getting nothing out. So I am hoping that an increase in fluid and food by myself plus extra nursing/pumping sessions will build up the supply again.

The clocks went forward on Saturday night, so we lost an hour sleep, but the weather has been amazing this weekend So I'm really gutted that we had to spend it in bed all weekend being ill. Being on my own today whilst Tim went back to work trying to deal with two poorly children plus still being ill myself has been hard. By 415 I was in a heap on the floor in tears. But we have managed to get to the park a couple of times and Tim took Noah to Clent Hills when he got in after work to give me a bit of a break.

I hope the rest of the week improves.

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My top 5 Breastfeeding "tools"

This post is part of the Breastfeeding blog hop, hosted by www.theslackermum.com

This is my first experience breastfeeding a baby, although Benjamin is my second child. My first pregnancy I had issues regarding this whole area of parenting, so when it came to being pregnant with Ben, I was adamant I wanted to breastfeed,but I had no idea what to expect. Anyway we are 5 days shy of 10 months nursing, and along the way these few things have proved invaluable me.

iPhone: I swear Steve Jobs had nursing Mums in mind when he invented this wonderful gadget. With my Kindle app installed I can read, I can check the news, I can check out facebook,blog, I can chat with my friends, play words with friends. Night feeds are no longer lonely. Multi-tasking at it's best.

Why did no one tell me how HUNGRY I was going to be? I am constantly eating, even now, 10 months on. Especially during the night feeds. I fear my dentist is not going to be very pleased with me. Digestives are my friend:)

Not so much during the day, but at night I drink SO much water. Always thirsty, if I don't drink enough, by 7pm my head is absolutely splitting open. Nursing really is hard work on the body.

Apologies to my male readers, but I have FAST milk flow, and a very good supply. I leak. If Ben doesn't have much at one feed, and the pad is not positioned correctly, then milk starts flowing. It's messy! Sometimes if it has been a while since a feed, I only have to be near him or look at him for my let down to be activated! Thankful for this invention;)




Lastly I am SO thankful for my amazing support network I have, both online and in real life. I often go to a breastfeeding support group at the local Children's centre. It gives me a chance to meet other new mums and to get support from trained support workers if I need it, and I have needed it on occasions. One friend in the United States has been a MASSIVE support to me. Her very pro-nursing stance has been passed along to me, and she has a wealth of knowledge & experience that I can draw on (she is currently nursing her 3rd baby). She has given me advice, support and an ear when I have needed it.

What an amazing journey this last 10 months has been. When I am nursing Benjamin, no one is closer to me emotionally than He is. I am enjoying this new relationship in a way I never thought possible. I look forward to continuing as long as Benjamin wants.

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