Who am I?

Mummy, wife, sister, friend, daughter, Aly.

Funny how Aly comes at the end of that list. I remember when I was pregnant with Noah, at one of my yoga classes the teacher asked us what scared us the most about becoming parents. Lots of ladies said "lack of sleep" {ha!}, not knowing how to take care of a newborn etc. When it was my turn I answered that I didn't want to be "just somebody's mummy, I still want to be me". I was told that being somebody's mummy was a wonderful thing.

She was right. It is amazing. Even on the hardest days when I think to myself "why did I choose this?", even on the days where the 3 year old reduces me to tears, it is a wonderful thing, to be someone's Mummy.

But, somewhere along the way, I have lost sight of who "Aly" is. I have a vague recollection of a girl who had energy and enjoyed lots of different things; swimming, going out, skiing, snowboarding, reading. There was once a girl who enjoyed her teaching job {despite the moans about how hard it was and the hours}. Now there is a girl who is seriously exhausted beyond anything I could have imagined, a girl who during the day runs around getting drinks, food, doing nappy changes, playing, trying to tidy house, night means broken sleep and providing milk when the 1 year old demands it. A girl struggling to enjoy being a stay at home Mummy.

I know that this is a precious time, and I won't ever get these young days back. I know a lot of people would love to be able to be at home all the time but can't. {For the record I'm at home whilst looking for a teaching job, we are not a family who can afford to live on only one wage on a permanent basis}. But that doesn't make being at home any easier.

I used to have dreams of what my life would be like. My life is nothing like those dreams. Sometimes I feel as if I'm looking in at someone else who looks like me, because this isn't how my life was meant to be was it? Im told that this is just how life is. People don't have dreams that come true. I refuse to believe this. I see lots of happy people, people enjoying life. People achieving what they want. What kind of life would it be without dreams? Without hope that one day things can and will be different? I don't even know what I want for our future now. Once there were dreams of emigrating, mountains, an outdoors lifestyle. Now where those dreams were is confusion, doubt and lack of direction.

Being at home for so long with the kids has certainly helped in the loss of my identity. There is no time during the day for me to do what I enjoy. I barely get the chance to eat without a boy climbing on me trying to wrestle the very food from my mouth. I hear of friends with children who go out, where do they get the energy? How do they still enjoy this?

I feel so lost. I really hope I can find myself again soon.

 

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