Thursday 12 April 2012

Anger & Guilt

I didn't breastfeed Noah, my eldest. All through my pregnancy I was adamant I was not going to. My friend had had a few problems breastfeeding her baby that included stays in hospital, infection, needles and a cannula. My phobia of needles would not let this be a possibility for me. So despite my husband saying he thought I should give it a try, I WAS NOT going to risk it, I was not going to breastfeed my baby.

Cut to delivery room. After Noah's birth, the midwives had to go and help out with an emergency situation, so Noah, myself and Tim were left alone for almost an hour in the delivery room.

Noah started to cry for food. I had already told the midwives my intention was to formula feed. However, when Noah started to cry for food, my instinct took over and I tried unsuccessfully to latch him on, I thought even if he had one feed off me, and had some of the colostrum that was better than nothing and  it would stop him being hungry.

The midwife came in at the exact moment I decided to try to feed him. "You told me you were going to formula feed, you'll confuse him" were her words. So I didn't latch him on. How she thought a baby who had had neither breast nor formula would be confused I'm not entirely sure. She didn't offer to help. Why not? If she saw that I was trying to breastfeed, why didn't she ask if I had changed my mind? Why didn't she say she would help me if I wanted to try at least? She fetched me a bottle of formula and that was that.

10 days post birth, my hormones went in to overdrive. I wanted to breastfeed my baby. I needed to breastfeed my baby. But my milk had come and gone within 36 hours of birth. I asked my health visitor if it was possible to start 10 days after birth? She assured me it was possible, but  it would be hard work. I would need to latch him on, let him suckle for "x" amount of time, then pump for 40 minutes or until I had collected 2oz.

But Noah didn't want to know. We tried a few times to latch on, but he just screamed and screamed.  I got upset. So I left it. He was gaining weight, I wouldn't say he was happy and settled, he had a lot of digestive problems including reflux. Who knows if I had breastfed if he would have had those issues? Possibly. Possibly not.

Even now 3 1/2 years on, I still feel tremendous guilt about this. Mostly I am angry that the midwife didn't try and talk to me and offer to help. Surely seeing me trying to latch my newborn baby on should have indicated I was at least having doubts about my feeding choice? Apart from 2 problems my breastfeeding relationship with Benjamin has been so easy. This makes my guilt about Noah worse. I know it doesn't mean even if we had of tried we would have been successful, but I'll never know and that hurts.

I don't think our relationship has suffered because of it. We still bonded, although my bond with Noah is different to my bond with Benjamin. I think this is one reason I am SO determined to breastfeed Benjamin as long as possible.

This post is part of the Breastfeeding Blog Hop hosted by The Slacker Mom , Happiness Redefined and The Gnomes Mom .






7 comments:

  1. This is so unfair... a perfect example of the "booby traps" that contribute to young moms having breastfeeding problems. I am so sorry you didn't get the support you needed! BUT so glad you had a great breastfeeding relationship the second time around, and I'm sure your first son is just fine with how things turned out. Or, if he's anything like my husband, he'll be able to tease you about it later if you harp on him about his grades. My hubby is merciless with his mom about not breastfeeding him! :P

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    1. I'm just glad Noah has had chance to see what boobs are "meant for" lol..he keeps telling me he is going to feed his baby when he has boobs;)

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  2. Ugh. I can't believe she wouldn't have acknowledged the fact that you were trying to do it meant you must have had *some* change of heart on the matter. I'm glad the second time around was better but I know from my own experience, even that can't entirely knock out the hard feelings surrounding a bad first experience.

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    1. Yes, I think Mommas will always carry guilt about something. Maybe I should have vocalised my change of heart but as a shell shocked mummy of an hour, I just kind of assumed the professionals knew best:/

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  3. I am so sorry you didn't get the support you needed from your midwife :( How awful that she insisted you formula feed and seemed to chastise you for attempting to breastfeed. I'm glad you were able to nurse your second son!

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    1. Thanks for reading. I'm really glad it went well this time:)

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  4. That's crazy that she didn't help you out! They could have at least allowed you to TRY breastfeeding out before going to formula. She is the one who should feel guilt!
    I'm so happy for you that breastfeeding went better with baby #2!!

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Aly