Monday, 12 November 2012

Yes, I have depression. No, that doesn't mean I'm never happy.

In May I went back to see my Dr. My mood was becoming rather erratic again. I could feel my anger building up, my patience with Noah was at another low and things were becoming fraught. We had just moved in to a new house which was chaotic and wasn't really helping my patience at all.

I knew what was wrong before I got there. My depression had reared its ugly head once again. Had it ever really lifted after Benjamin's birth? Or was it masked by the natural high of new Mummyhood? My community nurse seemed to think it had lifted, and she signed me off her books, and my medication was stopped.

Before I got through my first sentence the tears arrived. The Dr seemed to think it was exhaustion making me feel this way. He told me to go and relax on my holiday, drink champagne and come back in 6-8 weeks. I knew it wasn't just exhaustion, but off we went to France. We holidayed, although with two kids in tow, one can hardly say it was relaxing. The two weeks of practically solid rain did not deliver the much needed vitamin D to my brain.

I returned to the Dr at the start of August, and once again I came away with a diagnosis of depression and a prescription for anti-depressants. It would seem that I had not managed to shake the ante natal depression demon off my back.

The tablets, on the whole, have totally changed how I am. Since the start of August, I am totally different. I'm happy, I'm more relaxed and patient. My relationship with Noah has changed for the better. However, not everyday is sunshine and roses.

Today is one of those days. It started out ok, but my lunch I had slumped in to a dark place. I don't even know what the trigger was? But after putting Ben upstairs for a nap I just became lethargic, miserable, sad and apathetic. Being stuck indoors doesn't help. It's rained pretty much all day. Everyone tells me excercise helps depression, and I know getting the kids out for a run is good for them too. But when days like today hit, going out is the last thing I want to do. Ironic really, being that it is probably the thing that will help the most.

These little relapses happen every so often. Thankfully they are getting further apart. This is a good thing as I think it means slowly I am getting the better of the depression. I can only hope that tomorrow brings an improvement in mood.


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