This is not going to be a happy post. This is my journal so I feel I should document the bad days as well as the good, and with the happiness police over on facebook emailing me to tell me to stop being so negative, this is my outlet. Not that I have to justify myself in my own little space of the cyber world but there you go.
I feel angry. I don't know why. I just want to tell the world to piss off. If I wasn't still flooded with breastfeeding hormones, I would swear I have PMS! I feel frustrated, I don't know how to vent this frustration or how to direct it. If i had the time or money a swim would probably help, or maybe Zumba (have been meaning to go to this for 2 years!) Things pissing me off today:
The place I live: It is so bloody inconvenient. We don't have parking. We have to park our car about a 3 minute walk away. Not far you say? Well with a 3 year old and a 9 month old in a infant carrier car seat, plus bags it's a long walk. The car park is a private car park but it is chargeable. There are a few residents on my road that use it but recently a big car showroom has started parking there too. It is always chock a block full. I have the rage everytime I go out and come back and find there is nowhere to park. Or if some idiot parks so close I cannot open the back doors to get my kids in. This is the same rage I get when I approach the supermarkert and stress about people without kids parking in family spaces.
It's an old house. It's mouldy in the kitchen. Yesterday I had to steralise the steraliser before I could use it as it had grown mould whilst in the cupboard. I have informed the letting agent (6 weeks ago) and they are *supposed* to be contacting the landlord, as usual I have heard nothing back from them. I made the decision to live in this house at my most vulnerabe time: 6 months pregnant and suffereing from ante-natal depression. Not a good time to be making big decisions!
My Next Door neighbour: 3 months ago I had to ask him to fix his guttering as it is leaking. When it chucks it down with rain (like it is today) its like a waterfall is falling right across our front door. We get soaked trying to get in and out of the house This is not fair on my kids. Yes they will get rained on and wet on the way to the car, but they shouldn't arrive looking like they have just stepped out of the shower! Arsey neighbour said he would fix it in the new year. That was in December. It is now March and it is still not fixed.
We are broke: Yes I am just finishing a maternity leave. But I am fed up of having zero cash week to week. I cant even take Benjamin swimming, or to soft play. Even the children's centres have started charging for their once free groups. We borrowed money a year ago to move house and still cannot pay it back!This causes me immense guilt! We have £20 a week petrol allowance, that doesn't get me to work and childcare. The trip to childcare is 6 round trips of 14 miles per week. The petrol prices in this country are outrageous.
I want new clothes. I wear 4 t-shirts in rotation as they are the only things I have that facilitate breastfeeding. I need a new spring coat, as I am still wearing my maternity winter coat, and it's getting too warm for me now. I want to be able to buy the kids some new clothes or toys once in a while instead of everything being hand-me-downs. I'm very grateful for these things, don't get me wrong, but occasionally it would be nice if I could have chosen the kids clothes myself. It just feels like we are never going to get back on track and be "comfortable".
I also have a headache. So Benjamin and I are going to snuggle in against the rubbish weather, eat junk (me) and sleep.